weening the nums

day two of official weening has gone fairly well considering that my son (C) has a louder cry than a regional emergency alarm, and he's been fine tuning it for 2 1/2 years. he protested, he kicked, but then he submitted to my gentle persuasion that this is still our time together (ie without his little sister--H). He wanted to take a 'little walk', so i rounded the block slowly, admiring the ocean of clouds in the sky and telling him that mama still holds him so close and loves him so much.

i thought C would be one of those kindergartners you see snuggling up to their mother's breast while the teacher reports on his social and learning skills with a look of pukey disgust. i didn't quite know how the process would go or when it would ever come. i know that two days ago a feeling of anger--no, not anger--but resentment surfaced, while he was nursing one of the two times he still got to (nap times). my thought was 'you shouldn't be nursing.'

that night, after walking with a dear friend and venting about charlie's latest tantrum patterns, i told C that tonight he could have the nums but very soon the nums will be all gone for C. he cried because in his purely zen way, that meant that this very moment where he always dwells, there are no more nums. but he latched on contentedly and nursed himself to sleep that night and i lingered longer than usual thinking about the closing of this particular kind of relationship between us, and i felt so confident, so grounded as i stroked and smelled his curly hair.